Musing in Manhattan

Ryan was in a school play today. His first play as a first grader. So great–right? So wonderful except for the fact that I was not there to see him perform. He was a red apple in the play Johnny Appleseed and had his very own line introducing a song. We practiced each night for two weeks and I said: “I can’t wait to see your play-you are going to be such a great apple”; and when the big day came–I wasn’t there. =( I could not take off from work. I had missed a day this week already due to an unforeseen appointment that my husband had to keep and I needed to take the day off to care for our three year old.  When I woke “the star” (in my mind he was the star) up this morning he was very excited for his show, but he realized that I was dressed for work and his happy face turned sad .  He asked me to please take the day off.  “Please call your boss mommy, just tell him that I am in a show and that you can miss work.  You can skip it.”  My heart broke as he begged me to call in.  How could I possibly take another day off?  How could I break his heart?  I promised myself I would always put my kids first, that I wouldn’t be all about work, yet here I was breaking his heart.  He cried most of the morning and I unfortunately had to lie to him and say that I would go to work and personally ask my boss if I could leave early to see his show.  In reality, leaving early was not a possibility.  Why go in to work for an hour and a half commute only to stay an hour and then take the hour and half commute back.  I dropped him off at school with a fake smile and told him he would be a great apple.  He turned and said:  “Okay, just don’t forget to come to my play….and mom, I love you”.  Broken.  I felt horrible.  I thought about it all the way to work.  As the clock drew closer to show-time I became more and more sad.  Nope, I’d never make it there in time.  At 1:15 –show time:  I just stared at the clock and said a little prayer that he wasn’t too disappointed.  Daddy was there and lil brother too, hopefully they would find a smiling apple.  I could still watch the show on the video camera.  I dealt with patients and thought of him.  Luckily the hour between 1:15 and 2:15 went fast and was full of phone calls and patients so I couldn’t dwell on it too much.  At 2:45 my husband called and my son was happy to report that the play went well.  “It was great mommy, well sort of great”.  “Why only sort of great?” I asked hoping that it had nothing to do with my missing it.  “Well, Isabella forgot her line and she put her head in her hands and started to cry”.  I began to fill-up a bit; first because I know Isabella and I am sure she was crushed by the event, and secondly, because my son was actually okay with me not being there.  He cared more about his friend messing up than he did that I missed it—-I was happy about that.  When I got home I watched the video and complimented him on how great he was.  I also said that I would be at the next one– AND I WILL!!